Post SCrash Session
by ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: WHAT IF: MarissaTheWriter wrote Homestuck Act 6? Also what if she had at least tried to learn proper English. Follow Janet Roberts, a descendant of the ever-Sueish Marissa Roberts, and her three friends as they hopefully play a game of Sburb Alpha.
1. Meet Janet Roberts

**POST SCRASH SESSION**

CHAPTER 1: MEET JANET ROBERTS

Hi, my name is Janet Roberts and I live in 413 post-Condensation in my house. As it turned out there's only 4 humans alive on Planet Earth: me, Jack London, Roxanne "Roxa" Lavigne and Richard "Dick" Stiller (AN: ROXA AND DICK FOUND A TIME MACHINE SO THEIR IN THE FUTURE :P). Today is November 11th and while it isn't my birthday, today a boo game by the ever awesome BETTY CROCKET named Sburb Alpha is releasing.

As I said, I don't have any humans living in my house, but instead I have a robodad and his robopet Lil' Sebastian (Dick sent me a robobunny named Huggy Bear, but Dad adopted him, so he's Lil' Seb now). My real dad was a son of Grandma London and PoopUp Roberts, who was a son of Betty Crocket and Colonel Massacre. It also just so happens I'm a great-great-great-great-something granddaughter of Chell Junior Roberts, who was a kid of Wheatley Potter and Marissa Roberts, who was a kid of Gabe Johnson and Caroline, who was a kid of Principals Business Man and GLaDOS, so I have a really famous ancestry. But then the CANDACENSION PIXIES (AN: SHE'S THE NEW LEADER OF CRITICS UNITED, AND INSTEAD OF THE HUNGER GAMES RUNNING, SHE MADE OUR PLANET LIKE HERS, BUT THEN EVERYONE DIED) had to ruin it all and kill my dad and give me a robot who likes to lock me inside my room. She also took over the BC CORP and said I'm her hairless but I'm going to bankrupt Critics United and prosper BC Corp ASAP when I become 18.

Last night I had a relay terrible dream. I was on a golden land called Prophet where apparently I and Jack live in our dreams. But then I saw... THE CARAPACES OF PRESTO CRYING! They said those things over and over like the Page is died and the hope is lost and they were carrying a coffin, so I looked inside and so... JACK LONDON DIED! I then woke up and was really sad that dream Jack was died and wanted to bother real Jack about it, but I couldn't, because he was still asleep, but then someone else talked to me. It was... URANIAN UMBRÆ!

- uranianUmbrae [UU] began cheering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

UU: hello again, janey.  
GG: Hi, alien?  
GG: Can you just tell me your name now?  
UU: no.  
UU: my bro woUld wank me horribly.  
AN: Uranian Umbræ's like a British alien, okay?  
GG: Awwww.  
GG: Okay.  
GG: I need you to do me a favour.  
GG: You have time travel.  
GG: Could you tell Jack that his dream self on Prophet dead?  
UU: sUre!  
UU: ok, told him.  
UU: he's thinking what the bloody heil i didn't dream aboUt prophet.  
GG: Then what was it?  
UU: a spider alien.  
UU: aranna serket.  
GG: I no no Aranna, keep on going.  
UU: he saw a glimpse of her and woke up.  
GG: That's it?  
GG: Disappointing.  
GG: OK, fangs, bye.  
UU: wait before yoU go.  
UU: i have to tell yoU something aboUt the game.  
GG: Sburb Alpha?  
UU: yes.  
UU: the pond is yoU're the made of life in it.  
UU: which grants yoU some powers.  
GG: So?  
UU: imagine yoU coUld revive yoUrself oUt of nowhere.  
UU: yoU'll see on prophet.  
UU: bye!

- uranianUmbrae [UU] ceased cheering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

So now at least I new that the real Jack was alive, and all I needed was to get my game on. I tried to exit the door, but then saw it was... LOCKED! As a pretend hard-bald detective, I needed to figure out how to escape without breaking the window. I thought for a while when someone appeared. It was... GCAT! (AN: She's the first guardian of our planet, since she was made in an ectobibliology lab with the genes which give Marissa SPECIAL POWERS, so she's also powerful)

The next thing I know, I was already at the living room. There was a stuffed corpse of PoopUp, so I took his copy of Colonel Massacre's into my sillydex using my Recipe Modes and exited. Outside there was a mailbox with a flapping thingy delay up, so I tried to pick up the mail when there was an explosion and I died.

But then... I WOKE UP ON PROPHET EVEN AS A DIED! There was my different room and a Betty Crocket chess board and clouds of Skynet which told the past and the future and I very much liked dreaming on Prophet. But then I turned around and there was a black guy with a knife who stabbed me. Then everything turned black and I died again.

TO BE CONTINUED?

OH NO JANET IS DOUBLE DIED! WILL HER MADE OF LIFE POWERS WORK OR IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE AT THE SAVINGS? FIND OUT SOON!


	2. What the Bloody Heil?

**POST SCRASH SESSION**

CHAPTER 2: WHAT THE BLOODY HEIL?

I then woke up and I was... ON EARTH NOT DIED! It turned out that GCat had saved me from the exploding mail because she's relay helpful so I went back into the house, but my room was still locked, so I took my Unreal Hairless Tiara Computer and talked to some of my other friends, e.g. Roxa.

- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] -

TG: yo jane  
TG: *janet  
TG: you relay need toogrt all this betty crocker stuff exploded  
TG: *crocket  
TG: you know condasensei pixies is no good gurl  
GG: No, why! BC is awesome.  
GG: So were Marissa and Business Man.  
GG: I have a famous ancestry.  
TG: no one cairo's aboot your ancestry all of earth pre condensation is blewn up  
TG: *candacension  
TG: *CONDESCENSION  
TG: *fuck  
GG: So now that Sburb Alpha is blown up,  
GG: Do we still play?  
TG: fuck no not with your hairess tiara  
TG: *hairless  
TG: in fact how do i no youre not candaces seekrit agent  
TG: *serket  
TG: *secret  
GG: Serket?  
GG: Like _Aranna_ Serket?  
TG: what how do u no of aranea  
TG: *aranna  
GG: UU told me that Jack told her?  
TG: o jack  
TG: not spendin 1 second not sommshin bloo gurls  
TG: *blue  
TG: *girls  
TG: he and you are right out im playing only with dirk  
TG: *dick  
GG: OK FUCK YOU

- gutsyGumshoe [GG] blocked tipsyGnostalgic [TG] -

But the someone showed up and it was... MY ROBODAD! "Janet, you must ho back to your room tight now" and he got me back where I started. It was OK because it was GCat who got me in such trouble, though.

Anyway, I went to my room and there was this spoon made specifically by Betty Crocket to make Betty Crocket products but then 11:11 came and THE SPOON TURNED INTO A FORK! I plugged the fucker in so it wouldn't transform into a robot programmed to kill me all of a sudden

TG: "all of the sudden"

I blocked you, remember?

But then I noticed that THE BETTY CROCKET LOGO WAS ALSO A FORK! I knew that I have to remain fateful to my great-grandma so I unplugged the spoon and I got a fork with witch I could stab my robodad whenever things got too hot to handle. Which was never.

I then looked around. I had lots of BC Corp stuff and pictures from an MS Paint Adventure called Problem Sleuth 3 (because, unlike Valve Software, Andrew Hussite can count to THR3333333333333333) and a book by Dick Stiller named "Pony Pals: Detective Pony", which I like very much, but not as much as Problem Sleuth 3 or the adventures of my ancestor MARISSA ROBERTS WHO IS TOTALLY NOT A MARY SUE and another book by Colonel Massacre which is relay fat and cold kill a cat (but never GCat since she would teleport out) if dropped. So I had many reads, but no game plays, and with the mail exploded and Roxa being a selfish bitch, I couldn't play Sburb Alpha no so I just had to wait for the apocalypse.

Since waiting for the apocryphal was elemental I pressed a bottom and Lil' Seb broke the door which was always locked. I got the Tiara CD back on and walked through hallways and Betty Crocket ads to the living room, where robodad held a lot of harlequins and a piano. I sat next to the piano and started playing a haunting refrain, but then someone messaged me it was... DICK STILLER'S GPS NAVIGATION!

- tinmanTestmaker [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] -

TT: It appears you blocked Roxa.  
GG: Yes, it appears I did so?  
GG: Oh look, you made me fuck up the haunting refrain.  
TT: May I inquire why you blocked Roxa?  
GG: She said that only she and you are playing the game?  
TT: If my calculations are correct,  
TT: The playing of the game, _Sburb Alpha_, is inevitable for all fore of you.  
GG: "You"?  
GG: But you're Dick.  
GG: You're playing too.  
TT: No, I'm his automobile's brain.  
TT: But yeah, it seems Dick is playing.  
GG: Very well.  
TT: Also, did Lil' Seb break down a dore?  
GG: Yes.  
GG: I WILL not PUT UP WITH MY ROBRODAD.  
TT: Robotic brother-father?  
TT: That doesn't make sense.  
GG: Shut up or I'll block you as well.  
TT: Very well.  
TT: Dick Stiller's GPS navigation off.

- tinmanTestmaker [TT] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] -

But then I locked and so... DICK STILLER REALLY SHUT OFF HIS CAR! I new it because TT was offline so it was not okay and since I blocked Roxa and I'm _not_ going to unblock her there was only one friend that I could talk with and have him be hellful.

It was...

JACK LONDON!

TO BE CONTINUED

_Seriously Written Note: Nothing can prepare you for what I have in store for Jack's chumhandle. Tarvos and Fairie: A Love Story should be taking notes on how to troll._


	3. The Only One

**POST SCRASH SESSION**

CHAPTER 3: THE ONLY ONE

I turned on Pesterchum again so I could check out how Jack London was doing. He had finally gotten online, so I cold pester him.

- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began bothering googleTherapy [GT] -

GG: Hello there.  
GT: Hello fine chap!  
GT: How youre doin bloke?  
GG: Fine, I guess.  
GG: Did UU talk to you yet?  
GT: Sorry janet no.  
GT: No buggerin aliens ever contacted me this bloody day.  
GG: I talked to UU today.  
GG: And she said she talked to future you.  
GT: Relay?  
GG: Yes.  
GT: And what did we talk about?  
GG: Your dream?  
GT: The one with aranna?  
GG: Why yes.  
GG: Anywho  
GG: Roxa and Dick are pchooooooooing off with Sburb Alpha.  
GT: Really?  
AN: YES  
GT: Guess I'll have to find another awesome game to save me from the apocalypse.  
GG: Good luck!

- gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased bothering googleTherapy [GT] -

But then, after the conversation overed, I wasn't un-stuck since otherwise my adventure wouldn't be called "Homestuck" so I started reading Pony Pals: Detective Pony and it went like this.

_Anna Halley, who is Jared Halley's mother, was one day in a pony farm talking to Twilight Sparkle. In the pony farm Twilight Sparkle relayed to Anna Halley that her daughter Jared Halley was in huge trouble so Anna Halley had to go._

_Anna Halley sad goodbye to her other ponies like Princess Celesta and Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie and the otters and went on a pony she always liked named Maplehoof and it turned out Maplehoof was a pegasus so Anna Halley had to go._

_On her way Anna Halley drove over a badpony called SkepPony (AN GEDDIT LICK SKEPKITTY BUT A PONY) but then it turned out a she drove by... SKEPPONY MURDERED MAPLEHOOF! Anna Halley had a mister to be solved as to where SkepPony could possibly have gone to so Anna Halley turned around and saw a dirtmark on Maplehoof that SkepPony left. "it is a mystery" Anna Halley said and called Twilight Sparkle._

_"Hello" Twilight Sparkle said_

_"hello I need to you to solve a mystery for me you see a badpony murdered Maplehoof and now my daughter Jared Halley is in grave danger so help me with your detective powers" Anna Halley went all said and cried about the remain of Jared Halley and was about to goth emo_

_MEANWHILE AT JARED HALLEY'S PLACE_

_Jared Halley who is Anna Halley's daughter was in huge trouble because Twilight Sparkle said so but also because_

But then I was intreruppted (again) and I checked and it was... UU! (AGAIN!)

- uranianUmbrae [UU] began cheering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

UU: very well.  
UU: now yoU know yoUr made of life powers.  
GG: No, I don't!  
GG: All I know is GCat saved me and Roxa is killing me indirectly.  
UU: also nice horns yoU got there.  
GG: I DO NOT HAVE ANY HORNS STOP SAYING THAT

But then I noticed the candy corn horns growing out of my head and it was such a shocking relvatwist I passed out.

TO BE CONTINUED

* * *

_Seriously Written Note: So many shitty plot twists. Caliborn would approve._


	4. Meanie Pixies, Ruler of Fuckers

**POST SCRASH SESSION**

CHAPTER 4: MEANIE PIXIES, RULER OF FUCKERS

Hi, my name is Meanie Pixies and I'm the hairless aperture to Candacension Pixies and Critics United and she dais I am so mush like her bu GIR other hairless mistress dissent because she likes BC Corp bandits DUMB CAKE MAKING INDUSTRY and she also is SO MUCH SUE TI FULL and I must assassinate her before I candacend and then BC Corp will FAIL and Critic Union will WIN.

But before that I'm just going to check out JeerLeader.

- coloredCondescessence [CC] began trolling artifiocularGambler [AG] -

CC: hey  
CC: hey aranna  
CC: guess wat  
CC: today is the day  
CC: SBURB ALPHA  
CC: is releasing  
AG: It's very nice that you Cairo for a game like this.  
AG: But you know you have no internet in it.  
CC: no but that sucker witch likes bc corp is into it  
AG: Is she human?  
CC: whats a human  
AG: Someone like Jack London.  
AG: I met Jack very recently.  
CC: more egg samples  
CC: getit because fish hatch from tiny eggs  
AG: Jack's bestest friend and huge Betty Crocket fan Janet Roberts?  
CC: YOU FUCKER YOU MENTIONED HER YOU FUCKED UP EVERYTHING

- coloredCondescessence [CC] is now coloredCondescessence's [CC'S] dream bubble self! -

I have a coal industry of golden stuff in the frame bubble world and I'm not just a "hairless assistant" I'm a crude lewder myself.

The reel truth about Sburb Alpha is DAT I played the game myself wide eleven friends including Aranna bu we dreaded an no one woke up on dream bubbles before me and by the time I got to see Cranky Vasquez, Doormat Medigo, Roughie Nitrogen, Mitt Romney Cape-Torn, Merlin LeJoin, Parrot Martini, Lately Pirate, Aranna Sorket, Hussite The Hock, Curlbent Smacker and Chronos Ampersand I was so rich dream bubbles got bankrupt.

Bu one problem.

I ruled over my own people and needed to expand my Horowitz to humans and FLAMER TROLLS and their evolved version CHERUB TROLLS and the industry only worked in dream bubbles.

And since the sucker witch likes BC Corp was now the one in the real world I couldn't do anything so I watched the stocks and the auto re needed to figure out a way to return to Janet's point of view.

TO BE CONTINUED

* * *

_Seriously Written Note: Still at the translation thing._


	5. Escaping the Red Miles

**POST SCRASH SESSION**

CHAPTER 5: ESCAPING THE RED MILES (GEDDIT BECAUSE ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN HAS A RED INTERFACE)

_Hi I am Janet Roberts again an I can continue the story from here._

_I woke up when my name was said in some conversation between CC and AG and then I read it (READ CHAPTER 4 DOPES) and I was given inlet on Aranna Sorket and Jack London and some CC furl that I don't care about so anyway I dint care and tried to go outside bu I forgot I was perm ago underdone. So I looked outside the window and saw red tentacle things descend from the sky. It was... THE RED MILES!_

_With The Red Miles I knew the apocryphal was coming so I did something to Jack London again._

_G_G: Jack?  
GG: Answer me!  
GG: Its the Red Miles and I need to escape them!  
GT: TT: Wait for Dick Stiller outside, Janet.  
GG: ok

And then... A DELIRIOUS TIME CAR CRASHED THROUGH MY WALL! "Hi Janet I'm Dick Stiller with a change of planes. We're no longer playing Sburb Alpha so I got the time car which I and Roxa used to escape to here."

"And?"

"Pick up your stuff and go. We're going to... THE SEVENTY FORTH HUNGER GAMES!"

The Hunger Games was a thing from when Curiosity Snow was the leader of Critics United and he would pick up 24 people from across the year and have then fight to death and Marrissa Roberts was in the 74th Games in particular so I o-mouthed that I was going to see my ancestor. "OMG OF COURSE DICK!" I said and picked up my books like Portal 2: The Stupidest Seek-will of All Time by Principal Business Man and Problem Sleuth 3 by Andrew Hussite and of course Pony Pals: Detective Pony by Dick Stiller and went into the car. We took off and I saw my hose in a water apocalypse for the last time.

Then FLASH BOOM BANG I was somewhere else!

JACK LONDON'S PROV

I was in my hell murder island don my business and talking to Janet when suddenly something appeared. It was... CTHULHU! Cthulhu snapped one of its tentacles and my house fell over bu I was in the jungle so I was okay. I climbed up to where my house was and saw that the Red Miles were coming and one of them hit Cthulhu but the Red Mile was small and Cthulhu was big and he was only hurt a little. Then FLASH BOOM BANG there was a delirious time machine and someone stepped out of it it was... JANET AND DICK! "Hi Jack this is Janet Roberts and Dick Stiller we're going to... THE SEVENTY FORTH HUNGER GAMES!" Bu then Janet said "Bu Jack has no stuff?" But Janet and Dick took me to the time car and we drove to... THE PAST BEFORE CTHULHU WAS THERE!

I picked up my stuff like all my DVDs of all the movies in existence and we drove off to mos ewer else.

ROXA LAVIGNE'S PROV

I was in my carapace colony don my business and talking to Dick Stiller s GPS Navigation when something appeared. It was... THE RED ROBOTIC MONSTER WITH A CRITICS UNITED LOGO! It started killing all the carapaces in my house so I typed.

TG: a red robotic monster with a critics unite logo kills all the carapaces in my town  
TT: Wait for Dick Stiller outside, Roxa.  
TG: bu your dick  
TT: No, I'm not.

But then outside FLASH BOOM BANG someone appeared it was the delirious car! It shot the red robotic monster so the red robotic monster spat red robot blood and then a Red Mile hit the red robotic monster so it died and the car drove near me and someone stepped out. It was... JACK, JANET AND DICK! "Hi Roxa this is Jack London Janet Roberts and Dick Stiller we're going to... THE SEVENTY FORTH HUNGER GAMES!" Bu before I cold step in the car a Red Mile hit me and I died.

JANET ROBERTS'S PROV

With Roxa dead we cold not go to the Hunger Games. Everyone was so crying over this and Dick corpse smooched Roxa since they are so lovers but then he sat in the car and said. "Roxas Desuran dream self is still alive." Everyone happied again and we picked up Roxas dead body and Dick Stiller installed Sburb Alpha in his car. We entered... THE LAND OF CRYPTS AND HELIUM!

Then Dick drove his car to Desura. There another set of Red Miles was launched but Dick turned time again and the Red Miles were no longer there. We drove to Dream Roxa's room and said "Hi Roxa this is Jack London Janet Roberts and Dick Stiller we're going to... THE SEVENTY FORTH HUNGER GAMES!" Then we picked up Dream Roxa and futured again when there was The Reckoning and a bunch of meteors attacked Skaia. We drove through the meteors and into one defense portal that led to God knows where on Earth but then the GPS said.

TT: Dudes, I'll take care of everything.  
TT: Listen to some music instead.

And he put on Unite Synchronization from Homestuck Vol. 8 and we rocked so hard on our way to The Hunger Games.

It turned out that without any time snapping we were right where we needed at the score announcement bu that was okay since we ran out of uranium anyway. Anyway so everything was fine and Roxa was Desuran and we listened to the boron guys.

_CATO: MEOW (LOL BECOS HE'S A CAT)_  
_GLIMMER: 15_  
_SWEAR GUY: 7_  
_SKEP: HALF (LOL BECAUSE OF HER HALF WORLD'S BLOG)_

Roxa hugely o-mouthed becks Skep was shortening for Skeptical Kitty Lavigne who was her sister but then the scores went on.

_RINGMASTER: 0_  
_PONY STRONGBRUSH1: 0_  
_ALCOREMORTIS: -2_  
_RUE: 10_  
_THRESH: 9_  
_FOXFACE: 11_  
_PEETA PEETA SANDWICH EATER: 12_  
_REMOLAY: 0 (MORE LICK REMOLAME LOL)_  
_PIMPROSE EVERGREEN: 20_

And then finally...

_MARRISSA ROBERTS: 100_

"Hey isn't Marrissa your ancestor Janet?" Dick Said.

"I know Dick." Janet swooned over the hot and pretty of her ancestor BU NOT IN THAT WAY PERVERTS

* * *

_Seriously Written Note: IDE/Theory: Cato will become GCat. Yes, Cato from The Hunger Games, who isn't a cat but a Career Tri-Boot instead, will become an actual cat that fucks up everything for Janet, Jack, Roxa and Dick._

_Yeah, I'm kind of sorry I didn't expand on the Belorussian trolls but THE MARRISSA GAMES started updating again so here, have this, Insane Guy of DOOM. See you on AO3._


End file.
